Waiting for the Glow Up

 

My last chemo-free day for a while. I will begin a 3-day course tomorrow. I have done this before and I expect no surprises; I will feel okay this week and I may feel okay after the second course at the end of the month, but the third course is bad and the last course can fuck right off. That’s when I will need the most assistance and I am so glad that School Marm will be around to help me since school will be out at the end of May.

I might try to re-pot a huge, root-bound aloe plant today if it warms up just a little bit more because I want to do it outside. The plant needed to be repotted last year but I never found the energy. I told School Marm that she will inherit all my plants and I am not sure she wants all of them but Sweetie would surely allow them all to die from lack of attention even though most of them are succulents. 

I am continuing to knit on Sweetie’s socks. The yarn is Berroco Sox or something along those lines. I particularly like this yarn because the self-striping repeat is about 6 or 7 inches, and the color changes often enough to keep me interested. I am at the heel flaps.

Wordle today, as yesterday, took four tries. What an interesting game it is. I like the logic required to solve it.

Drum Drum Drum

 

6, 2, and 3 describe my Wordle scores for the last three days. I’m particularly proud of the 2 because I started with GRIPE and the word was TROPE.

I’m wandering around the house looking and gathering and planning. What do I sell, what do I give to friends, what do I donate, and what do I just trash? I sold a couple of books and tablet weaving cards on Marketplace and even though I said local only, I ended up mailing anyway. If I want to continue to mail things off, I need to acquire some boxes. I’m feeling scattered and somewhat lost, but doing this “Death Cleaning” makes me feel better. And it all comes down to not leaving too much for Sweetie and sister-in-law, (whom I should start calling School Marm), do manage. I want to take care of whatever I can before I die. I’m doing research and have filled out a Power of Attorney for Health Care Directive, and looked at simple wills. 

It was hard to type that, “before I die.” While all the time, my brain is saying to me, “you’re going to die soon”. It’s all I can think about. Well, no, I am thinking about other things but the drumbeat in the background is “you’re going to die soon.” 

The cancer is metastatic. I imagine I can feel the damage being done to my innards, or maybe I do feel it. I don’t know.

Handle Me with Care

 

Wordle in five tries today. I am also pretty good at the Spelling Bee and the sudokus from the NYT. Word puzzles and counting make me happy. 

So, the oncologist confirmed his first diagnosis of small cell carcinoma in the liver. I will begin chemotherapy next week. It will be the same regime as for the first cancer: three days of infusion every three weeks x 4. With luck, this will slow or reverse the growths. However, as he said, this is very bad and this will eventually kill me because even if my liver gets better, the cancer will migrate to another location. After this treatment, he will assess my case and take it from there. 

My slightly crazy, blown-dandelion hair will fall out. I don’t know yet if I will have my head close-cropped again or just let it go as it wants.

I’m glad that Sweetie will have his sister around so that they can take care of one another. I have put down the Night Shift shawl in order to finish a pair of socks for him. 

Therapy Dog

 Wordle took me 6 tries before I solved it. I had 4 letters in the right place by try #3 and all I needed was that last consonant. 

To the oncologist today. It is raining cats and dogs with thunder rumbling every so often. Just the sort of day to drive an hour on the interstate, right. I hope the sump pump holds up.

I am calm, knowing that I am just a vessel from now on, a passive patient who will have things done to her and there are no decisions to make. I got my 4th Covid-19 booster yesterday. I literally shot out of the door to the nearest pharmacy when I heard the news that the FDA had approved it. I still had to wait while the manager called the owner, (it’s a small, independent drugstore), and I had to explain what medical condition(s) I had that made me eligible. So I related the tale of the anal cancer which was small cell carcinoma, and how the cancer had returned and that I would be getting chemo again. She recommended prayer and I scoffed. She asked if she could pray for me and I said that she could do whatever made her feel better but that I didn’t care.  

Just Dropped In

 

Wordle in 4 today. Not too bad, really. 

Went out to a pizza place with Sweetie Sunday night. We hadn’t really talked about ‘my condition’ until then, so it was good. I mean, it’s hard to talk about but there are practical aspects that need to get sorted out such as him getting the FMLA paperwork filled out for the doctor to sign. Sweetie said that his sister plans to not renew her teaching position in order to be available for my care. When I objected, he said that she was not thrilled with her 1-hour commute morning and evening and there wasn’t anything closer or better and so she was just looking for an excuse. Okay then. 

The other thing we talked about was taking a trip to England or Ireland, but only when my condition was so bad that it won’t make any difference if I drink. I quit drinking in 2012 because I am an all-or-nothing drinker. I still want to drink but I just don’t. 

We’ll see the oncologist tomorrow and I reckon I’ll get the chemo schedule then. He had also said that immunotherapy is an option so maybe we’ll find out about that then, too. I am so not looking forward to the sickness that the chemo brings but I don’t want to not do it, either. 

Last Spring I bought a pattern for a wooden whirligig in the shape of a P51 Mustang airplane but I was too sick to work on it and then it got put on the back, back burner. I may get a friend to cut out the pieces for me to assemble and paint. I would like to have it done and installed as a gift to Sweetie.  

Uncomfortably Numb

 Wordle in 3 on Friday, in 4 yesterday. I haven’t solved today’s; it’s still too early. Edited to add: Today's puzzle was hard! Took 5 tries.

The biopsy went well. It wasn’t painful but I was a bit tired yesterday, so I took the day off and lazed.

The doctor who performed the CT-guided biopsy, who had read my previous scans, said that the growths in my liver are most likely related to the anal cancer. Small cell carcinoma. The little buggers like to migrate. My feeling is that soon it will spread all over, and both I and the oncologist know that there won’t be a “good” outcome this time.

And yes, I am depressed. I saw this on Reddit: If someone says, “Don’t be depressed, there are people worse off than you,” you can reply with, “Don’t be happy, there are people much better off than you.”

I am also just sort of numb.

Thursday

 Wordle in 3 again. Knitting progresses.

Liver biopsy tomorrow.