I only want to say that I don't care to share much about myself anymore and so here it is 14 or months since I last posted.
I have gone inward and into isolation to protect myself from anxiety and worry. I also can't care what other people think of me, and other people really don't want to know what I think about them.
It all started with Facebook and - no, it started with the election in 2016 which made me physically ill for weeks. Then the Facebook breach and the hateful posts that were coming from people I liked. I would get so angry and try to change others' opinions and then get even more angry. I unfriended and unfollowed a number of people, my relatives among them.
With my heart condition, I cannot get stressed. I have to practice letting my anger go and in the process, I have lost a lot of what and who I am. I have been angry all of my life, not that it showed, but it was there. All it got me was a cranky heart that refuses to beat with a regular rhythm.
I have lost interest in things, too. Going to estate auctions and seeing a whole of another person's household goods being sold for almost nothing and I look around my house and that is what I see: my belongings that will mean nothing to anyone when I am gone.
I have nice craft equipment and once this contagion is over, I plan on selling what I have not used in the last two years. Tablet weaving, tatting, weaving, felting, hat making. I am not interested. It's going to be sold now while I can get a better price.
I am so tired of just every fucking day.
2 comments:
I wanted to let you know that I've read this and I hear you. This is a really difficult time, and it seems to keep not getting better. I'm glad that you are still here.
Thank you, Jocelyn, wherever you are!
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