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I am tired of just feeling bad, so I have turned that on its head. Parts of me that don't hurt and that behave normally: shoulders and arms and hands, thighs and knees down to mid-shin. If I think about it that way, it seems not so bad.

But I am unwell. I underwent cardioversion 3 weeks ago in an attempt to regulate my heart rhythm. It didn't work. Having atrial fibrillation is tiring and tiresome. I also have atrial flutter, for what that is worth. I have a slight fever due to a cold virus that is going around, so that means mucus and a stuffy head. My feet are becoming more numb due to neuropathy, which is scary. I fear that one day they will atrophy or become injured and need amputation. And my thinking is muddled and today my eyesight seems kinda blurry.

Then there's the depression. Am I depressed because I don't feel good? Nah. Sweetie says that my depression has a fine balance, a hair trigger. I work hard to keep it from tipping and that is tiring. It's difficult to avoid the people and situations that drag me down but I try. Right now, I am being very hermit-like for self-preservation.

Is this just what happens when we get older? I'll be 60 in a few months. But hey, 60 is the new 50, right? Not that long ago, a person 60 years old would be old indeed. Lucky to be alive! Just a few years left! It weighs heavily on my mind.

I'm knitting tiny socks. The really teensie ones, at 1.25", are for earrings. I've made some about 2" and don't quite know what they will be for. Right now, they are for keeping my hands busy.

I have tried knitting scarves. There was one that I knit on, garter stitch, for 2 weeks. I bound it off, hated it, and then unraveled. I tried knitting lace for 2 days until I forgot a yarn over and in the attempt to fix that, a bunch of stitches came off the needle. So fuck that and unravel. Tiny socks it is.

The chickens are fine and have started laying 4 eggs almost every day. I have clipped their wings and so they stay confined in the backyard, which is about 2000 square feet. Sweetie and I sit out there on the evenings that aren't oppressive and commune with them. I have named them Pork Chop, Bob, Pecker, and Dorothy. Pork Chop is the smartest and the most friendly and if I had the inclination, she could be trained to do tricks. But I don't.

That's Pork Chop there in the center.

Soothing.

I am tired. So much energy has been drained from me that I spent today recovering. (I dreamed about opera and opera costumes last night. Now I know I really am stressed.)

Lots of things going on, but mainly I did a show in Fulton, MO Saturday. It was their second year and it was well done and well attended. I made one sale. So it goes. Fulton is famous as the place Churchill gave his Iron Curtain speech; there is a Churchill Museum there. 

There were two different women visiting from California who were effusive in praise for my purses, so that was nice. Oh, everyone was nice; this is Missouri after all. It’s just that nobody wanted to open their wallet for my goods. I did get a small bump of merino spun though, (I took my wheel,) and plyed into yarn. Lovely blue and purple. 

As president of the Arts Council, I have had to put out yet another fire - the third in two months. I hate being responsible for other people’s actions. Or inaction, whatever the case may be. Plus, I am not getting paid for doing this and sometimes I just want to chuck it and say fuck it. People make me weary. On a side note, I have been asked to stand for the board of our Chamber of Commerce; the Arts Council is a member of the Chamber. That’s one way to know what’s going on in this town, because the good bits don’t make it into the newspaper.

And then there are the sewing machines. Sweetie and I spent several hours yesterday replacing a gear. One gear, people! (The gear I ordered was from a guy in American Samoa, of all places.) Anyway, Sweetie has the strength and mechanical know-how, all the little tricks and tips, whereas I have the skills to set the hook and feed dog timing, and make sure it’s making a nice seam. 

So we spent several hours on it, with a break to go to Harbor Freight in Columbia to buy me some more tools. And him some more tools. Finally got the damned thing put back to together last night, mostly, but when I plugged her in I got nothing. No power to the light. Then I stepped on the pedal and the light came on. Okay. We’ll save taking the motor wiring apart again for another day. And somewhere in there, the needle position lever got messed up. And then I couldn’t find all the screws to put the damn top and sides back on. I have packed it all away until next week. Sweetie told me that that is what working on cars is like, except sewing machines are smaller and simpler and cleaner. 

Thank goodness this one isn’t for a customer. “Here ya go, ma’am, that’ll be $500 for labor, $23 parts, and by the way, the top is duct taped in place and you can’t zig zag with it anymore. Other than that, she’s good as new!” 

So, I’m tired. Nothing has gone well for the last few days, it seems. But I did start a batch of kim chee this afternoon and that is a good thing! We eat a lot of kim chee, Sweetie and I. I credit my first effort at fermenting cabbage to the return of my sense of smell earlier this summer. I find the pungent aroma delightful. Sweetie adds kim chee to his breakfast burrito. I add it to most everything I eat save for sandwiches and cereal. Did you know that when a South Korean astronaut went to the space station, much money was spent to make an acceptable kim chee that would work up there for the 6 month stay? I think that must have been part of the deal - if I don’t kim chee, I’m not going, goddamn it. 

What else is good? Oh, I tried to dye wool with black beans. I read that I should get blue, but as you can see, it is gray. So it goes. 

And I made another purse. It needs a handle. I think the handle will be an improvement, because right now, it ain't much to look at.

I still fuck around with wire and silk and wool. And I located those silk scarves I bought last year and fucked around with them today.