Monday, September 14, 2009

Please forward to ten friends

On Sep 14, 2009, at 4:39 PM, Harry Hall, (my brother,) wrote:

Listen up City Slickers !

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

Small Town Dweller (Nancy) Answers.....

1. Please button up your overalls. You look like a hick and we don't really need to see your belly.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

2. Take off that gimmee hat once in awhile, especially in church or in the WalMart parking lot. Your head needs to tan just like your arms and neck.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. Please, young buck in the pickup truck, slow down. I don't need to eat your dust.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-70 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. I love the smell of manure. I call it Country Fresh. Once you get used to it, please stay and get to know us.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed.. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. I have a $2000 car, and I will gladly pull over to let your harvester pass. Just give me a little notice. I appreciate that you feed the world.

6. So every person in southern Indiana waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. We wave, or at least lift a forefinger from the wheel, at everybody. However, you sound rather hostile.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Please don't shoot me, you ignorant hillbilly. Oh, it isn't you that shoots indiscriminately? Must be those crazy city folks. Also, I thought everybody had a cell phone anymore, even farmers.

8. Yeah, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. I like potatoes and gravy, and green beans and cornbread, too. Why are you so angry?

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. So that's why there are deer running onto the highway in front of my car on my way to church.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. Thank you. We appreciate it and say so.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. Where I eat, there is the meat and 2 vegetables plate, or the 4 vegetable plate. Where do you eat? Is that why you are so overweight?

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

12. We also like salsa, mustard, and chili powder. We sometimes put spaghetti in our chili, to make it go a little further.

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

13. Okay, now that we are getting older, I can agree with that.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. Or be a pair of shoes. Also, we like women in all shapes and forms and don't make fun of them if they aren't cute or can't shoot or have short hair.

15. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch..

15. We also think that the science fair, chess club, and baseball are fun and are good for our kids.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

16. Everybody seems to play golf anymore. Plus, golf courses give the canada geese a good place to poop.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

17. But there still aren't enough places that make a person think for themselves, not just spout propaganda.

18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

18. We, too, serve our country. You don't have a lock on that.

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

19. Okay. But remember how loud we used to play Led Zeppelin? Back in the day?

20. 4 inches isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska , worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.

20. Four inches of snow on top of ice can be a problem. Stay home or slow down. (Thank goodness this isn't Alaska, as Mitch Daniels is bad enough without having to put up with ex-governor Sarah Palin's shenanigans.) Your neighbors with snowplows on their tractors and pick ups, and the road department, will have the roads and your driveway cleared real quick. Also, your neighbors will clear those downed trees across the roads after a windstorm within hours.

A true Hoosier will send this on!!!

A true hoosier should -

* Be kind to everyone, be generous with their time, and help their neighbors.

* Talk to the old people, allow them drive to slowly and don't honk at them, as it makes them nervous. Remember that, with luck, you too will be old one day and drive slowly.

* Not get irritated at the hay, horse, cattle, pig, or race car trailer in front of you.

I like living in Indiana! There are really good people here.

Half-Price with Coupon

I came home to all healthy and happy animals. Even the injured rooster has healed up nicely. I had put him in a big cage with the other chickens in the barn, because I was afraid the other rooster would pick on him. When I put them all in the back yard, he went first, then the hens, then the other guy, and there was no trouble. Yay! They are all in the yard bug hunting now.

The red hens have been laying for a few weeks now, nice large eggs of two ounces each. Being in the barn must have jolted the banty hens a bit, because they are not brooding anymore, but rather ranging around the yard like the others.

The two little dogs are not to be found. Good Neighbor Nancy heard tires squealing and a bumpbump last Wednesday and says she has not seen them since. I don't actually know what happened, but what a tragedy. The real tragedy, though, is that those people will soon have some other canine or two around, because don't ya know, they just love their dogs. Sigh.

Anyway. I can't control the world.

I saw this great little minivan in the WalMart (Your Place for Cheap Plastic Crap) in Joplin, Missouri, and had to take a picture. Met the owner, who works in movies! She said the fake fur was cheaper than a paint job, and so far it has lasted two years! through rain, snow and going 90 mph.