I had a little incident yesterday, call it a wake-up call if you will, that showed me I should up my Enthusiastimine™ dosage.
One of the Three Hateful Trolls that took great delight in tormenting me several years back made a remark to me that would sound harmless if taken at face value, and if it had come from just about anyone else. I was walking Princess, and halfway through the route, it began to rain. This Hateful Troll took the opportunity to drive, not down the street and avoid me, but down the alley I was in, causing me to step off into someone's yard to let him pass. I had no intention of engaging with him in any manner at all, so I stood there in the rain, and turned my back to him, hoping he would just pass. But no, he had stop, roll down his window, and tell me, "That dog of yours is gonna get you wet," before he drove on.
I know. Sounds benign.
One of the previous remarks he made to me, about six years ago, was, "I sure am glad that I have property for your dogs to shit on." If he has opened his mouth within my hearing, ever, it has been to spew vitriol at someone or something. Another time, he deliberately rutted my yard behind the barn after I wrote a letter to the editor defending his contribution to our community, despite the fact that he has two junk yards in town where he just keeps stuff. (He was a volunteer fireman, secretary of the water company, and general mechanic.) He's also a crazy ass hoarder, one of those people one reads about being crushed to death by newspapers in their own home, (one can only hope.) I have always tried to avoid him. But now, with Princess, I am back to dog-walking and being out and about the town and feeling vulnerable. Very vulnerable.
I'm not afraid of him. I know I could take him in a fair fight, but he is the type that doesn't play fair. He's an evil-tempered bully with a persecution complex.
He made me mad yesterday and I had no outlet for that anger, having never learned how to deal with anger in an appropriate manner. He made me cry and with all my heart, I wished to be gone from this town. If I had been a guy, or some other girl, I would have said, "Yeah, fuck you, asshole." But I'm not a guy and I'm not another girl, and I have tried that sort of thing with the Trolls, and I knew if I said, for example, "Shut the fuck up, Maurice, and get the hell out of the street," that the whole episode would have escalated into something I don't need to deal with. I got mad, went home, told a friend who didn't really understand all the backstory, and I cried a little bit.
So, upon reflection, I remembered that there is less daylight these days, and there will be even less sunshine in the next few months, and I remembered that I get into a blue funk this time of year, every year, like clockwork.
Time for more drugs.