Uncomfortably Numb

 Wordle in 3 on Friday, in 4 yesterday. I haven’t solved today’s; it’s still too early. Edited to add: Today's puzzle was hard! Took 5 tries.

The biopsy went well. It wasn’t painful but I was a bit tired yesterday, so I took the day off and lazed.

The doctor who performed the CT-guided biopsy, who had read my previous scans, said that the growths in my liver are most likely related to the anal cancer. Small cell carcinoma. The little buggers like to migrate. My feeling is that soon it will spread all over, and both I and the oncologist know that there won’t be a “good” outcome this time.

And yes, I am depressed. I saw this on Reddit: If someone says, “Don’t be depressed, there are people worse off than you,” you can reply with, “Don’t be happy, there are people much better off than you.”

I am also just sort of numb.

Thursday

 Wordle in 3 again. Knitting progresses.

Liver biopsy tomorrow.

A Sucky 'Journey'

I ripped out the first iteration of the Night Shift shawl and have begun again with a different palette of sock yarn. I don't have a lot, but I do have enough leftovers in purples and burgundies and greys and brights to match a new light purple skein. I’m pleased.

Wordle in three today, after not getting a single letter right in the first word. But that meant I eliminated 5 letters from the running. The second guess left me with 2 green and 1 brown, and the answer was easily discerned after that. 

I’ve been having mini panic attacks of the existential sort and I have no one to talk to about it. I don’t want sympathy, but a therapist to listen would be nice. I haven’t told Sweetie everything the oncologist said, because he doesn’t need to know just yet. I’ll let him remain optimistic until after the biopsy when we meet again with the doctor. Maybe my doctor is wrong, but I really don’t think so in my heart of hearts. 

I hope to continue writing about this sucky ‘journey’ I’m on. Sweetie and Sister-in-Law don’t read this blog and I don’t know if anyone else does, either, but that’s okay because just writing makes me feel a little better. I’ve never been an avid, or good, journal writer, being embarrassed by the crazy inner monologues that are my thoughts. And I feel that my writing skills, which used to be okay, are now shit. 

I’m 65 and the last chemo messed with my cognitive skills and while I’ve gotten most of those skills back, I can’t say that I am just like new. And I also want to say here that I have noticed a few things going on with my body over the last 2 or 3 weeks that have had me a little concerned.  Instead of my physical strength increasing, it was slowly decreasing. I had stopped getting better.

What Do I Know

 

Wordle in 6 again today. I hear that it is poor form to discuss ones Wordle score, but since I have so few accomplishments otherwise, I will keep posting about these successes.

Other news is that I had a CT scan yesterday, three months after my last scan was clear. This time the doctor saw, I think he said, 6 golf ball-sized growths in my liver. He was surprised and saddened since we thought it was going to just be a routine scan.

I was, and am, strangely calm. I had gone through all the emotions during my first cancer diagnosis, though, and so pretty much all I had to say was, “Well, shit.”

I will have a biopsy this Friday and will meet with the oncologist again next week, and he said that I had options including more chemo as well as immuno-therapy but the prognosis isn’t good since the golf balls had grown so much in such a short time. I have more than 6 months but most likely less than 5 years to live is his best guess. 

It’s weirdly comforting to have a time frame to get my affairs in order.

Happy Equinox

 

The daffodils are blooming and the houseplants are ready to go outside soon. This is half of them.

Wordle in 6. Yesterday was also 6. In spite of that, I really like this puzzle and am glad it only comes once a day. 

I'm okay

 Wordle in 3 today. I had a lucky starting word. 

My cold is getting better, but it's a cool and dreary day. In other words, a Good Day to Knit. 

Also me

 

I have a cold. Sister-in-law caught it from one of the Petri dishes in her classroom. She was afraid it might be Covid but tested negative. I asked Sweetie, who now has it, how this could have happened, what with all the mask-wearing we still do, like, all the time. And he said that there is no vaccine for the cold. Dammit.

I had forgotten what a fountain of mucus feels like when leaving my face. May you all be well.

Also, it took me 6 tries to solve Wordle today. My average is 4 but I have two 2s and a sprinkling of 3s.