Therapy Dog

 Wordle took me 6 tries before I solved it. I had 4 letters in the right place by try #3 and all I needed was that last consonant. 

To the oncologist today. It is raining cats and dogs with thunder rumbling every so often. Just the sort of day to drive an hour on the interstate, right. I hope the sump pump holds up.

I am calm, knowing that I am just a vessel from now on, a passive patient who will have things done to her and there are no decisions to make. I got my 4th Covid-19 booster yesterday. I literally shot out of the door to the nearest pharmacy when I heard the news that the FDA had approved it. I still had to wait while the manager called the owner, (it’s a small, independent drugstore), and I had to explain what medical condition(s) I had that made me eligible. So I related the tale of the anal cancer which was small cell carcinoma, and how the cancer had returned and that I would be getting chemo again. She recommended prayer and I scoffed. She asked if she could pray for me and I said that she could do whatever made her feel better but that I didn’t care.  

Just Dropped In

 

Wordle in 4 today. Not too bad, really. 

Went out to a pizza place with Sweetie Sunday night. We hadn’t really talked about ‘my condition’ until then, so it was good. I mean, it’s hard to talk about but there are practical aspects that need to get sorted out such as him getting the FMLA paperwork filled out for the doctor to sign. Sweetie said that his sister plans to not renew her teaching position in order to be available for my care. When I objected, he said that she was not thrilled with her 1-hour commute morning and evening and there wasn’t anything closer or better and so she was just looking for an excuse. Okay then. 

The other thing we talked about was taking a trip to England or Ireland, but only when my condition was so bad that it won’t make any difference if I drink. I quit drinking in 2012 because I am an all-or-nothing drinker. I still want to drink but I just don’t. 

We’ll see the oncologist tomorrow and I reckon I’ll get the chemo schedule then. He had also said that immunotherapy is an option so maybe we’ll find out about that then, too. I am so not looking forward to the sickness that the chemo brings but I don’t want to not do it, either. 

Last Spring I bought a pattern for a wooden whirligig in the shape of a P51 Mustang airplane but I was too sick to work on it and then it got put on the back, back burner. I may get a friend to cut out the pieces for me to assemble and paint. I would like to have it done and installed as a gift to Sweetie.  

Uncomfortably Numb

 Wordle in 3 on Friday, in 4 yesterday. I haven’t solved today’s; it’s still too early. Edited to add: Today's puzzle was hard! Took 5 tries.

The biopsy went well. It wasn’t painful but I was a bit tired yesterday, so I took the day off and lazed.

The doctor who performed the CT-guided biopsy, who had read my previous scans, said that the growths in my liver are most likely related to the anal cancer. Small cell carcinoma. The little buggers like to migrate. My feeling is that soon it will spread all over, and both I and the oncologist know that there won’t be a “good” outcome this time.

And yes, I am depressed. I saw this on Reddit: If someone says, “Don’t be depressed, there are people worse off than you,” you can reply with, “Don’t be happy, there are people much better off than you.”

I am also just sort of numb.

Thursday

 Wordle in 3 again. Knitting progresses.

Liver biopsy tomorrow.

A Sucky 'Journey'

I ripped out the first iteration of the Night Shift shawl and have begun again with a different palette of sock yarn. I don't have a lot, but I do have enough leftovers in purples and burgundies and greys and brights to match a new light purple skein. I’m pleased.

Wordle in three today, after not getting a single letter right in the first word. But that meant I eliminated 5 letters from the running. The second guess left me with 2 green and 1 brown, and the answer was easily discerned after that. 

I’ve been having mini panic attacks of the existential sort and I have no one to talk to about it. I don’t want sympathy, but a therapist to listen would be nice. I haven’t told Sweetie everything the oncologist said, because he doesn’t need to know just yet. I’ll let him remain optimistic until after the biopsy when we meet again with the doctor. Maybe my doctor is wrong, but I really don’t think so in my heart of hearts. 

I hope to continue writing about this sucky ‘journey’ I’m on. Sweetie and Sister-in-Law don’t read this blog and I don’t know if anyone else does, either, but that’s okay because just writing makes me feel a little better. I’ve never been an avid, or good, journal writer, being embarrassed by the crazy inner monologues that are my thoughts. And I feel that my writing skills, which used to be okay, are now shit. 

I’m 65 and the last chemo messed with my cognitive skills and while I’ve gotten most of those skills back, I can’t say that I am just like new. And I also want to say here that I have noticed a few things going on with my body over the last 2 or 3 weeks that have had me a little concerned.  Instead of my physical strength increasing, it was slowly decreasing. I had stopped getting better.

What Do I Know

 

Wordle in 6 again today. I hear that it is poor form to discuss ones Wordle score, but since I have so few accomplishments otherwise, I will keep posting about these successes.

Other news is that I had a CT scan yesterday, three months after my last scan was clear. This time the doctor saw, I think he said, 6 golf ball-sized growths in my liver. He was surprised and saddened since we thought it was going to just be a routine scan.

I was, and am, strangely calm. I had gone through all the emotions during my first cancer diagnosis, though, and so pretty much all I had to say was, “Well, shit.”

I will have a biopsy this Friday and will meet with the oncologist again next week, and he said that I had options including more chemo as well as immuno-therapy but the prognosis isn’t good since the golf balls had grown so much in such a short time. I have more than 6 months but most likely less than 5 years to live is his best guess. 

It’s weirdly comforting to have a time frame to get my affairs in order.

Happy Equinox

 

The daffodils are blooming and the houseplants are ready to go outside soon. This is half of them.

Wordle in 6. Yesterday was also 6. In spite of that, I really like this puzzle and am glad it only comes once a day.