Friday, October 16, 2009

Take as directed.

The nine signs of depression, according to WebMD. If one answers yes to at least five questions, look out.

A depressed mood during most of the day, particularly in the morning.
Lately, yes.

Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day.
Yes.

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day.
Yes.

Impaired concentration, indecisiveness.
Yes.

Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day.
Not so much.

Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day.
Yes.

Recurring thoughts of death or suicide (not just fearing death.)
I am not fearing death, nor contemplating it.

A sense of restlessness -- known as psychomotor agitation -- or being slowed down -- retardation.
Yes, retardation.

Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.)
No. I wish I could say weight loss.

And don't forget to figure in the drinking. A woman is considered to have a problem if she has more than three drinks at a time. Hell, I'm just getting started at three.

So, what to do?

Part of me is screaming out for help, and part of me doesn't want to make any effort. At all. But putting this out here on the blog is a start. I don't have any insurance right now, so that sort of help, therapy, more drugs, rehab, is out of the question.

Today and tomorrow is the fiber festival, and, apparently, I am not going to make it. At all. Sorry to everyone that was counting on me to be there. I hurt and I ache, and I can't bear the thought of being among people. I feel totally overwhelmed.

8 comments:

Knitting Linguist said...

Oh, hon. I have been where you are, and if there is one thing I understand, it's the complete inability to face even attempting to do anything big, which makes it very hard to do any of the things that would help you to get better. Please, please, show this to your guy. And as soon as it's financially feasible (sooner, if possible) please show this to a doctor that you trust. When it gets to this place, sometimes you need a big boost to get back out. I wish I were closer and could help -- keep writing, and know that we're out here wanting you to be OK.

Mouse said...

*hugs* 'anti-crazy drugs' made me even more crazy.. so I can't help there. I hope you find something that works for you and calms your fears & depression. We're out here for you!!

FUZZARELLY said...

Thank you KL and Mouse. I am doing what I can right now.

Helen said...

Years ago in a biography of a very dear man called Sydney Smith, I came across a letter that he wrote to a friend in 1820; I don't think I could put it better today http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1122129/?log%24=activity

And hugs.

FUZZARELLY said...

Helen, I very much like those recommendations. I wish I were a lady back then and could make such decisions. But I am glad not to be guided my their mores.

fleegle said...

Yeah. I hear you. I am there as well. No job and no prospect of a job. Feeling depressed and worthless. So I make jokes. Wish we were closer and we could whine together. I'll try to make more jokes, just for you.

Helena Handbag said...

Angel! Just read my facebook and came over to your blog!
I too have been there which I realize helps you zero when you feel like you are in a pit. Depression lies to you. It tells you you can't do anything by making you feel so bad you can't do anything. I found that each day I had to choose one tiny thing (and just that choice can be overwhelming) that I was going to do and prove to Depression that it wasn't going to keep me. Somedays just brushing my teeth felt impossible. So I would brush my teeth (or whatever). The next day I'd pick another tiny thing and do it. This little "therapy" that I did for myself was the way I began to tell Depression that I knew it was lying to me. It was the way I began to find the things I needed to change about my life and the beginning of finding I had the ability to change it -- even if I was only changing one tiny thing at a time, like brushing my teeth.
Much love.

Valerie said...

Damn, I haven't been blogwatching enough lately. This time of year is particularly challenging, I think, too, on top of it all. Can't do much from here but tell you there are people out here thinking of you and holding your virtual hand. {hugs}