Sunday, October 18, 2009

Your results may vary.

Thank you, everybody. I am depressed, there is no getting around that, but some of you will know that my real demon is drinking.

Yesterday, I drank every beer in the house, all three cans, by ten a.m. then had a shot of brandy. I didn't even feel buzzed. Then I alternately solved sudoku puzzles and slept the rest of the day.

I'm slowly killing myself with alcohol. It is causing a few health issues that I am too afraid of even saying aloud or writing down.

The universe gave me a dope slap up side my head this past week, and I have been struggling against the truth of it.

I don't want to stop drinking because it makes me feel normal and I can't get through the day without it. Drinking deadens the pain in my life.

I can't keep drinking because, um... because, it makes me stupid and fat and depressed. And it's killing me. I'm beginning to not want to die. Fuck.

I really don't want to start going to meetings again. I struggle. I isolate.

It was about this bad when I first went to AA. It was Easter Sunday, and as I drove up to the noon meeting at the Dogwood Club, I saw several grizzled and haggard creatures lounging outside. I almost kept on driving, but didn't.

There were maybe 15 people inside, and they held a special first step meeting just for me, and I didn't take another drink for 16 years after that day. Goddamn it, I don't want to have to go through all of that again.

But I have to stop drinking. I have to stop killing myself. I have to stop acting in a reckless and criminal manner.

Please, you all, send me your love. I'm gonna need it.

10 comments:

Knitting Linguist said...

You've got it. And as terrible as it is to feel like you're starting again from the beginning, know that you're not. You can, most definitely, do this again. I'm pulling for you, and so are lots of other people, and there's a meeting out there right now that you can go to. Just one to start, and go from there.

Anonymous said...

Sending you BIG LOVE. You are more powerful than you know. I know it takes a lot of strength, but I can hear your survival instinct in your voice. Don't worry about all the next steps. Just decide on the first one and take it.

Nibbler

FUZZARELLY said...

Thank you KL and Nibbler.

I attended an online AA meeting this morning. Damn it. I just hate being like this.

k said...

Fuck.
One step. All you have to do is take one step today.
And we'll be here,wishing we could be there.

Anonymous said...

A friend of mine used to say he hated having the kind of disease that could only be treated by hanging around in church basements. True, but it's better than a lot of other diseases you could have! I'm pulling for you.
Nancy NeverSwept

Helen said...

Well, you know what to do and that's a start and the fact that you're beginning to do it is great. Lots of hugs.

Helen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
vloula said...

sending you lots of love, you were SO missed at the fest. pulling for and wanting the best for you!!

Lady Euphoria Deathwatch said...

Hi Fuzzarelly,

You know I love you and I'm gonna' go the tuff love route too.

Go to all the meetings you can find and get straightened out. You did it once and can do it again.

So the house burned down, you can't change that, but Sixteen years of life without a drink showed you a lot of what you are really made of. Build on that and start over.

I won't stop loving you, but I want to respect you again.

Hang in there sister friend. I'm pulling for you. And keeping you in my prayers.

Hugs, Euphoria

Blueball Mountain Spindle and Needle Works said...

Nancy....First I want to say that I missed you very much at the SIFF. I kept looking for you. Second, I did not have any idea about the depth of your struggle even though i knew things were dificult with your husband's work situation. You are suh a talented and amazing person and i bet you don't know how positively you affect people (me!) I know you are in a horrible place right now, but this is what i heard: You don't want to die...meaning you want to live and that tells me you have it in you to beat this. And know this: I, among many I'm sure, want you to live and be here. Come and spin with me.