Thursday, May 06, 2010

Do not freak out!

Way back in my twenties, you know, well before dirt, I went through this phase when sometimes, as I was driving with my first husband as my passenger, I would have an almost overpowering compulsion to veer into the concrete medians on the left-hand side of the freeways. And crash the car. You know, just to see what would happen.

I once asked him if he had these thoughts. Umm, no. Apparently sane people don't have these thoughts. Who knew? After he freaked out, I never mentioned it again. I was learning about boundaries then.

I don't think it was just the Atlanta traffic that put me in the mood, as awful as it was.

I have recently learned some disturbing news about my mom, and her desire, way back when I was about eight years old, to make an auto-driven getaway from life.

Damn that thick blood. Guess I came by my strange thoughts honestly.

She at last achieved her release, nine years later, with no cars involved.

So many new twists to this horrible story.

I will never actively act to end my life, but…but what? The possibility to do such is just a neuron's synapse away.


Anonymous said...

Who are those "sane" people who never think those things? I have; but I also won't sign this, lest I be stigmatized as insane. You know who I am.


Sanity is highly over rated, if you ask me.

zippiknits said...

Fuzzarelly, you are not alone in this. And I think you are right. We have been forced to life at the speed of light for the past two centuries at least. That's just not a good thing for any nervous system as highly tuned as ours is. y'know?

Helena Handbag said...

Smooch. We are all children of our genes. Take care of you.

Pam J. said...

I too have had those thoughts and feelings. Specifically about slamming my car, with me as the only occupant, into a concrete wall. Then I went on antidepressants and those thoughts gradually went away.

An old friend, my friend for 34 years, died today while I sat by his bedside. Death was a relief to him, I hope. Death is much on my mind. It's as natural as childbirth. And causes just about the same kind of pain.