Thursday, May 06, 2010

Do not freak out!

Way back in my twenties, you know, well before dirt, I went through this phase when sometimes, as I was driving with my first husband as my passenger, I would have an almost overpowering compulsion to veer into the concrete medians on the left-hand side of the freeways. And crash the car. You know, just to see what would happen.

I once asked him if he had these thoughts. Umm, no. Apparently sane people don't have these thoughts. Who knew? After he freaked out, I never mentioned it again. I was learning about boundaries then.

I don't think it was just the Atlanta traffic that put me in the mood, as awful as it was.

I have recently learned some disturbing news about my mom, and her desire, way back when I was about eight years old, to make an auto-driven getaway from life.

Damn that thick blood. Guess I came by my strange thoughts honestly.

She at last achieved her release, nine years later, with no cars involved.

So many new twists to this horrible story.

I will never actively act to end my life, but…but what? The possibility to do such is just a neuron's synapse away.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Who are those "sane" people who never think those things? I have; but I also won't sign this, lest I be stigmatized as insane. You know who I am.

FUZZARELLY said...

Sanity is highly over rated, if you ask me.

zippiknits...sometimes said...

Fuzzarelly, you are not alone in this. And I think you are right. We have been forced to life at the speed of light for the past two centuries at least. That's just not a good thing for any nervous system as highly tuned as ours is. y'know?

HelenaHandbag said...

Smooch. We are all children of our genes. Take care of you.

Pam J. said...

I too have had those thoughts and feelings. Specifically about slamming my car, with me as the only occupant, into a concrete wall. Then I went on antidepressants and those thoughts gradually went away.

An old friend, my friend for 34 years, died today while I sat by his bedside. Death was a relief to him, I hope. Death is much on my mind. It's as natural as childbirth. And causes just about the same kind of pain.