Read an email this morning that asked, "[D]o you have a dream? [D]o you know what you want to happen in your life next?"
Of course I read it as "Do you know what you want to happen in your next life."
Sadly, the answer is no, either way I read it. Right now, I have no desires or dreams for anything more than the possible trip to Canada. The trip that fills me with free-floating anxiety and amorphous dread. And this is a trip that I think I might actually Enjoy.
Part of me thinks that I could go to some classes, maybe art classes or writing/journalism. (Some people have complimented me on my writing. Pshaw. My writing skills are suitable for press releases. I've read good writers and I ain't one.) Then another part of me, another Voice in the Head, chimes in with the fact that I don't drive well at night, that I generally hate to be around people, and my inability to sit still through a class that doesn't fascinate and enthrall me. Like the Spinner's Workshop this summer.
Anyway. I am just trying to get through each day with as little stress as possible. I don't know if I am being more Buddhist or Nihilistic. I don't know if I care.
So Susan, there's your answer. I'm feeling like a complete waste of human flesh at the moment. Yet I don't feel bad. I feel mostly unconcerned.
4 comments:
I have been trying to refrain from saying nice things about you, HOWEVER, I must share that whenever a challenging piece of garment sewing presents itself, I dearly wish I was you, or an allergy-free facsimile thereof. Sorry. You have immense value in the world. No way around it.
Nibbler
I always think the same thing about classes.. I've never really been much for them. I like the information part which I can always get from books - class settings make me horribly nervous (big shock there..eh?) and self conscious.
Dear Mouse & Nibbler or
Dear Nibbler & Mouse,
I love praise yet I am suspect of it. I am such a juvenile that I still try to get my long dead father's approval.
Can I come and live with either of you?
Nope, they're both right -- you're definitely not a waster of flesh, I enjoy reading your writing, and you shouldn't take a class you're not going to enjoy :)
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