Fuzzarelly

Monday, October 19, 2009

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Thank you, everybody. I am depressed, there is no getting around that, but some of you will know that my real demon is drinking.

Yesterday, I drank every beer in the house, all three cans, by ten a.m. then had a shot of brandy. I didn't even feel buzzed. Then I alternately solved sudoku puzzles and slept the rest of the day.

I'm slowly killing myself with alcohol. It is causing a few health issues that I am too afraid of even saying aloud or writing down.

The universe gave me a dope slap up side my head this past week, and I have been struggling against the truth of it.

I don't want to stop drinking because it makes me feel normal and I can't get through the day without it. Drinking deadens the pain in my life.

I can't keep drinking because, um... because, it makes me stupid and fat and depressed. And it's killing me. I'm beginning to not want to die. Fuck.

I really don't want to start going to meetings again. I struggle. I isolate.

It was about this bad when I first went to AA. It was Easter Sunday, and as I drove up to the noon meeting at the Dogwood Club, I saw several grizzled and haggard creatures lounging outside. I almost kept on driving, but didn't.

There were maybe 15 people inside, and they held a special first step meeting just for me, and I didn't take another drink for 16 years after that day. Goddamn it, I don't want to have to go through all of that again.

But I have to stop drinking. I have to stop killing myself. I have to stop acting in a reckless and criminal manner.

Please, you all, send me your love. I'm gonna need it.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Take as directed.

The nine signs of depression, according to WebMD. If one answers yes to at least five questions, look out.

A depressed mood during most of the day, particularly in the morning.
Lately, yes.

Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day.
Yes.

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day.
Yes.

Impaired concentration, indecisiveness.
Yes.

Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day.
Not so much.

Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day.
Yes.

Recurring thoughts of death or suicide (not just fearing death.)
I am not fearing death, nor contemplating it.

A sense of restlessness -- known as psychomotor agitation -- or being slowed down -- retardation.
Yes, retardation.

Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.)
No. I wish I could say weight loss.

And don't forget to figure in the drinking. A woman is considered to have a problem if she has more than three drinks at a time. Hell, I'm just getting started at three.

So, what to do?

Part of me is screaming out for help, and part of me doesn't want to make any effort. At all. But putting this out here on the blog is a start. I don't have any insurance right now, so that sort of help, therapy, more drugs, rehab, is out of the question.

Today and tomorrow is the fiber festival, and, apparently, I am not going to make it. At all. Sorry to everyone that was counting on me to be there. I hurt and I ache, and I can't bear the thought of being among people. I feel totally overwhelmed.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

May Make You Cry.

Imagine.

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